SKEWEDNews – I recently received a message from a guy named Quinn Whitehead. He wrote to me that he knows I’m “always on the lookout for unique products and men’s interest stories, and I thought you’d be interested in a product I’ve developed. My company manufactures a consumer flamethrower called the X15. We are based in Ohio and our X15 Flamethrower is available to the public. We ship nationwide.”
He went on to say, “I thought my company and its unique products would resonate with your readers…”
Well! I guess my sterling reputation for writing manly stories precedes me!
Don’t you love the scent of napalm in the morning?
When I wrote to Quinn asking him what a private citizen’s uses for a personal flamethrower might be, his reply opened my eyes to almost endless possibilities and a brave new world…
Just for firestarters, the X15 is a concealed carry flamethrower. That’s right. When the black day comes and the loonie moonbats send their goons to strip you of your 2nd Amendment rights and try to confiscate your guns, you need not worry. Even if they get away with their evil, you’ve still got an awesome self-defense weapon with your concealed carry flamethrower — and there’s nothing illegal about owning it. (Nor for now, anyway.)
Furthermore, you may be able to send a message and show those power-mad control freaks what a “firefight” is really all about — say, by torching their taxpayer-financed getaway cars…
As an aside, I also see here the roots of a new, lucrative industry: replacing hand-crafted gun cabinets with hand-crafted flamethrower cabinets. I assume that these ought to be made of metal and glass, which gives metalworkers something to get excited about. Perhaps they could even use flamethrowers to do some of the welding for the cabinets, prompting the proud label of “certified flamethrower-made.”
But let’s move beyond self defense. What else might one do with a personal flamethrower?
Agricultural controlled burns and ground-clearing. Hell, yes! Is there too much rainforest on your property, not leaving you a place for gardens or a patio, or enough space to grow sinsimilla? Just turn it all to ashes with your X15.
Clearing brush, snow and ice. Hell, yes! I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand all the time or trouble or both that it takes me to clear my snow-covered car or my driveway of snow and ice and frozen, fallen debris during the Winter months. I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve said to myself, “Now if only I had a flamethrower…” A flamethrower would also make it easy to light up cold, wet wood and logs in the fireplace.
Incinerating weeds and pesky insects. Hell, yes! As I live in New Jersey, I can think of few things that would give me more pleasure on a Summer day or evening than incinerating state birds (that is, mosquito bitches) in midair with my flamethrower.
Then there are those ground-hornet nests that can be burned out–and if any hornets swarm after me, I can pick ’em off in midair. Those damned woodchuck dens, they can be burned out, too. (Important note for readers: woodchuck dens always have a front door and a back door. You want to be sure that the back door isn’t next to your barn. Or your house.)
And what about those wretched, long-legged rats euphemistically called “deer” (to sound like “dear”), the ones who saunter in and eat our tomatoes and strawberries? I could rid my property of those intrepids, too, while simultaneously cooking a venison dinner. Yum!
Pyrotechnic events and movie props. Oh my my, oh Hell yes! I could stop making my usual dull videos by (flame)throwing in some pyro effects! I may get something going all viral with my X15.
Lighting that 4th of July bonfire. Hell, yeah! I could use my X15 to light the charcoal or wood in my grill, too. I would save money on lighter fluid. Speaking of the 4th of July…With a flamethrower, I could light fireworks more safely, from afar — and light multiple fireworks at once!
There’s also a little more guidance I got from Quinn. He said, “We get about 40% of customers using them for entertainment, as you can imagine flamethrowers are a ton of fun.”
Woo-ha! My friends and I could dress up in dragon costumes and play “Dragon Wars”, using our flamethrowers to “breathe fire.” We could throw balsa wood airplanes through the air and shoot them down in flames, pretending that they’re spaceships and our flamethrowers are really super-advanced laser cannons. We could play “Fahrenheit 451.” (Hey, maybe that would make a great video.)
I can see that soon enough, children across America will have, in place of water pistols, flamethrower shaped “water throwers.” Oh, the irony!
The X15 flamethrower is going to catch on and become a nationwide phenom. Mark my words. But get yours now…before Big Nanny says you can’t have one and you have to buy a 3D printer program to make your own.
For SKEWEDNews, I’m Brant David.